questions coalesce

I ran into an old friend and mentor a couple weeks ago. He has knowledge of me of which I am wary. Most of it is from a third party and colored with plenty of perceptual errors, but it is knowledge nonetheless. I wonder if that makes sense to you. While I understand that inequity in relationships is more often the rule than the exception, I still see the growth of relationship in the economics of give and take. I know a little about you, and then you get to know a little about me. This cycle continues until one becomes comfortable with the understanding of another person. Some navigate with great speed, others favor a reduced pace. In this situation, the scales list in his favor.

This is why I refer to him as a mentor, and why I am wary. After several years in a much different vocation, he now is a professor at a good school. In our infrequent meetings over the past two years, he has spoken of how much he loves it. He always adds how much I would love it. I approached and greeted him warmly this day, excited to see him and hear about life and his family. Despite my desire to hear these things, I had someplace to be. So, I interrupted a conversation to deliver my greeting. He greeted me with joy, and immediately posed a question which disturbed me at the core.

"Have you made plans for graduate school yet?"
"Um, no."
"Are you still working at the same place?"
"Yes, I am."
"Do you enjoy it?"
Without realizing what I'm going to say, I reply "no."
"It was good to see you"
"Good to see you, too" I manage to say. I imagine the shock I felt was visible.

Such a short exchange. He turned back to his conversation and I left to go to lunch. His question sits in my mind like a large, inconveniently placed rock. If necessary, I can go around it, but it takes effort. I know it’s there. Especially telling is my negative response when asked about my job. The past year (or more) has been a series of stressful events and unexpected changes. Work has induced headaches, doubt, depression, frustration, and indifference. It has also again and again tested my capabilities. Each time I’ve been able to stare an issue down and declare that I am capable. There is fun in my work in that it affords opportunities to learn and expand my skills. Yet, I am sometimes reminded I was never supposed to go into technology. I studied history, and I sense a calling to share that with others.

Why have I not returned to school? I have many reasons. I make more money now than I would as a grad student. While I was originally convinced that I should teach and write history, I wonder now if that is the best discipline for my talent. I don’t know that my parents are supportive. I think my mother is more interested that I find a wife than another degree for the wall. I am single. I don’t know whether this is a silly reason. Most people in the scope of my experience have pursued the upper echelons of education without the burden of social unknowns. I don’t want to leave Austin, which would be a likely consequence. On one level some of these compel consideration; on another level, they represent empty excuses.

I described to a friend several nights ago my sense that I had somehow betrayed the cause. Since halting my progression in academia, I have in some way sold out. She was dubious. There are many things to ponder, and I acknowledge concerns in this world that far outweigh whether I will in the future teach. There are several things in the shorter term that may factor into any decision. It is still awesome that someone has the ability to be so incisive with so few words.