seventh month

If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day. -E.B. White, writer (1899-1985)

I'm always a little reluctant when it comes time for the first post of the new month.  We are several days now into September.  Does it feel like September to you?  I was thinking about a funny encounter between friends earlier today, and realized that it had taken place in March.  Of 2005.  Approximately 540 days have elapsed since that moment, and yet it doesn't seem that distant.

Time passes so quickly.  It will get done tomorrow, I say.  If I wait a day or two more before taking that risk or undertaking that project or making that decision, what will it matter?  I will be that much more informed, and more ready.  After all this time, one would think that I have learned that being ready for something isn't the most important thing, and often isn't even possible.  Old habits are hard to kill, and I still don't like getting hurt.  To delay the inevitable is a constant temptation.  Some are at war with time from the moment of the first mature thought.  So many battles lost, too few won.

Another holiday has faded to black, and a weekend that looked imposing or challenging from the front view appears delightful as I watch it recede.  I am glad of the experience, nostalgic for the moments I would like to have held for just a little while longer.  I should write more about this.

These words of E.B. White touch something in me, which is what compels me to share this quote.  There is a struggle, especially in me, to discover whether it is best to take action or to allow the flow of the river to determine my course.  The right answer is often in a grey zone, blurred by historical context and analytic reasoning.  It can also be a chicken/egg thing.  Which comes first, the improvement of the world or the enjoyment thereof?

Until recently, I was still working from a five-year plan (loosely defined) conceived during my final years of college.  I had arranged some items as successors to one particular dependency, unattained to date.  I'm thinking that what comes after will be arranged with a little more wisdom.

And I've set aside the last few months of this year for that purpose.  Seeking, questioning, expressing doubts and fears; these have been life-long talents.  Like a director calling to his actors, I seem to be saying, "I want it bigger, more pronounced. There should be more, more, more!"  It's an exploration, perhaps even an adventure.