burdens

I’ve been trying to figure out life. I know it’s a subject not often studied, or perhaps when studied, easily dismissed. I’ve failed to make much progress in recent weeks. I keep running into ways I don’t measure up against the standards of others. It’s one thing to disappoint oneself. We tend to forgive ourselves more easily than others for mistakes made. So, when we’ve failed to live up to a standard that has been set, either personally or by an outside entity, we engage our wills to transcend the error, learn from it if possible, and continue.

Relationships are enigmatic things. I’m not talking simply about birds and bees stuff here, but about acquaintances and friends, about associates and the people we like to hang with on the weekend. Navigating the murky waters of romantic involvement could be described as an advanced course. I’ve long been troubled by how easily such charts are read by others. Most people I know feel natural at the helm and plot courses with ease relative to my abilities. Yet, I maintain that I’m a good read of people. Analysis and observation are not the same as application, I guess.

I’ve been transcending personal error and moving on from disappointments for as long as I can remember. This I know to be life. Death comes in small pieces whenever I sense others’ disappointment in me. This has either been more frequent or more apparent to me lately.

When people first meet me, there are a few possible impressions. I study history, politics, literature, language, and technology. I have strong opinions. There is a wide range of topics in which I am knowledgeable. All of this together may make me seem interesting. All of this together may give you the impression that I would be a good conversationalist. I do what I can when I see need (and it doesn’t cause me to sacrifice too much and I consider the subject to whom help is offered to be worthy enough). I take on projects others might overlook or think themselves incapable of fulfilling. I will serve in any way I can. All of that might give the impression that I am selfless. All of that might give the impression that I’m dependable.

Unfortunately, enough experience with me reveals that I am boring, awkward in conversation, withdrawn, and selfish. Someday, it will even become obvious that I am terribly cold at times.

It seems that my more recent friends are entering this stage of discovery. This morning, I noted that while commenting on something, no one was listening. Of course, the words flowing from my mouth were hardly worth hearing. And I wonder if that’s not an issue. Are my words empty air, a burden to others who wish I would just be quiet? Have I placed upon them the burden of languishing under one boring commentary only to follow it up with extravagant nonsense? I hope not, with all my heart. What happened to that spark in your eye? Did it fall away when you realized I was an imposter in that area, too?

There are a number of relationships in my life right now in which I experience immense reward. There is joy and laughter and a serious talk or two, and such things come with random frequency. However, I long for the sustained nourishment of deep friendship, where there are no masks and stifling restrictions disappear. I had hoped I was on my way to that, but lost the path some miles back. It’s been a long time.

memory

There is almost nothing so mysterious as the connections made in the human brain.  A smell, or the way a shadow drapes across a certain landmark, a particular note in someone's voice.

There is one memory trigger that is a constant for me.  Within the first few notes of George Strait's song "Easy Come, Easy Go", I am immediately sitting in my high school cafeteria in 1993.  I don't mean that there's a recollection of being there.  I mean there is a sharp disconnect from the present, and full immersion in that experience.  It is September or early October of my freshman year.  I know this because of the way the light falls outside the windows and the way that I don't yet have many friends.  I know it because I still have that lost feeling inside, a cautious search to discover all the new challenges, experiences, and fears that await.

I also associate the song with a girl I barely knew.  She was pretty, but I didn't particularly notice her.  I don't know that we talked more than a few times; we just knew who the other was.  Also, my best friend at the time was terribly infatuated with her.  Otherwise, I don't really know the reason she comes up in my memory.

Isn't that strange?

what's that in the rearview mirror?

It's Austin, my friends.

I am officially on vacation, albeit a short one, and I feel great.  My first stop is to spend Easter with my parents in Abilene.  I spoke to a friend earlier this week who recently visited Abilene for the first time.  What kept him away I wonder?  He said that he expected to be able to kill time by wandering into a Barnes & Noble or something similar.  Ah, the naiveté. Otherwise, it has been a quiet day.  It is definitely good to see my parents again.

I haven't posted here in several days.  I've had both too many topics and too few to write about (sorry if that doesn't make sense), so I've committed to none of them.  I've also been really busy at work.  It's becoming good again; for so long I've felt it grew stale and immobile.  Now, assuming that things continue to turn favorably, I sense a period of productivity and new implementations that should once again provide an edge of excitement.  This break should afford me the time to clear my thoughts.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend!